219 - Lacey Part 3

 

Lacey: Hey….guess how many lemons I can fit into my mouth?

 

Keith: Hey guurrlllll.

Lacey: Belrgh!

 

Lacey: Just the one!

 

Keith: *Is trying to be smoldering*

 

Lacey: Do you have something in your eye?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: If you smell that strong odor, it’s probably the detriment and decay of humanity assaulting your nostrils.

Charming: I smell bacon.

 

Keith: Also…the back of your shirt is missing. I just thought you’d want to know that. I mean, we’re in Maine and it gets quite nipp- chilly up here.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: This is what I brought you for! Kill him!

Charming: Easy grandpa, let me check your heart rate there and make sure you don’t keel over.

Rumpelstiltskin: What the-, you’re a grandpa too!

Charming: And I feel my age every morning.

 

Lacey: Hm, this iced tea is better than Granny’s!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Jumps up from behind the counter* Hi, Bellacey! Wanna be my wife?

 

Lacey: *Is checking out the goods*

*Nice hovering, Charming*

 

Lacey: Oh! Mr. Gold! I thought that was you!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Which of my killer body parts gave it away?

 

Lacey: Should I list them alphabetically, descending, or ascending?

Charming: *Is faking dry heaving*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: This is going great!

 

Lacey: Hey! Is that One Direction? Put on some Arcade Fire!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’d like to set some arcades on fire…

 

Lacey: It’s an obscure band…you’ve probably never heard of it.

 

*Makes a mental note to look them up*

 

Charming: What are you doing?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: WE have nothing in common!

 

Charming: You talked for one minute!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And she’s a hipster! I can’t date that!

 

Lacey: Check out this MP3 Player!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Bellacey…dat backside…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: The front side’s pretty nice too….I gotta make you wear more of these outfits…

 

Lacey: I was sort of hoping that if we were around a lot of people, you wouldn’t be as creepy and I have to say that thus far I’m disappointed.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, I never change for any woman. Jiminy and I made that pact a long time ago.

 

Lacey: Well, it’s not like he’s around. So, he can’t see…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Almost considered it*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: No! I can’t! I can’t break the code that kept me sane for decades! You’re just going to have to know the real me by going on a date!

 

Lacey: *Is considering it*

 

Lacey: Bring the leather pants.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Score! Wait…does Storybrooke even have those?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is squeeing to himself*

Charming: *Is flexing his biceps and posing for the mirror* I got you to sell me a favor and all I had to do was tell you to go over there and keep talking.

 

Charming: *Giggles*

Rumpelstiltskin: You were here for more than that. I brought you here so that she could look at you and then look at me and realize that I was totally the better deal.

 

Charming: ……

 

Charming: I don’t…think that’s nice

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: The only place I can take a date is GRANNY’S! Crapppppp.

 

Emma: Oh mom…you and your fashion choices…

 

Regina: Reading about Henry’s father? Or maybe his grandfather?

 

Emma: Regina, I’m reading about my parents. Can’t you tell from this big honkin’ illustration? Or is that too hard for you too?

 

Regina: How dare you not tell me about his paternal side sometime after you got back and I tried to kill you!

 

Emma: I think you’re the last to know. Everyone else that followed the spoilers figured it out last season.

 

Emma: And since when do you care? It’s not like you paid attention to who Henry hung out with unless it suddenly benefitted you.

 

Regina: Well, I’m suddenly an attentive parent now!

 

Regina: Hence why…I didn’t try to find out whom he was the three episodes he’s been here…

 

Emma: Rumpel sent me a text telling me what you did to Belle. How are you still walking around breathing?

 

Regina: It’s a pattern for this last 1/4^th of the season. I do horrendous things and the reasons you let me walk free or get away with it become more and more contrived.

 

Emma: Well Regina, I suggest you get your act together before you lose Henry.

 

Regina: Hey! What do you mean by that?

 

Emma: What do I mean by what? I am just telling you something I’ve told you since season 1.

 

Regina: No…you’re hiding something! You had your eyes narrowed this time! And it’s wrong that you don’t clue me in on things that are none of my business every second of every day! I’ll try to kill you harder for this!

 

Emma: Regina…stop smirking at me, you just look silly and I’m not going to tell you anything.

 

Regina: Well I’m going to find out! *starts running* Just try and stop me!

 

*Screeching brakes* 

Regina: Well MOVE! 

Jiminy: PSYCHO!

Emma: Maybe I should text everyone and let them know Regina’s suspicious….nah…its date night with Archie…

 

Lacey: Is there anything in this menu that isn’t floating in gravy?!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Granny raised all her prices?! And she’s charging triple for pickles?! That’s 89 cents!

 

Lacey: Your face turns a lovely shade of red when you’re hyperventilating…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh this isn't hyperventilating, I’m just frustrated that there’s more skin showing out the back than there is the front…just…trying not to hit somebody because I was looking forward to a view…

 

Granny: I got a list of people for you if you want get started

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh no! My other other true love! This is going to be awkward…

 

Lacey: So, I’ll take your lobster

 

Lacey: And…you wanna hang out at the Rabbit Hole, later?

 

Granny: Sure! Ruby’s not living with me anymore, so it’s not like I have to set a disapproving example for her!

 

Lacey: Fantastic!

Rumpelstiltskin: I didn’t know my girlfriends could get along…

 

Rumpelstiltskin:  This changes everything….

 

Lacey: I’m not sharing you!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh crap, she heard that…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Ahem* What makes you think I WANT you yet?

 

Lacey: Because YOU asked ME on the date, remember?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Yes Bellacey, I’m quite aware that that might’ve been how it sounded to you…

 

Lacey: I still have the letters that you kept slipping under my hospital door asking me to date you! I kept them because you wrote them on the back of the same sorts of letters addressed to Emma!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh….I did that?

 

Lacey: I’m just trying to figure out that kinky little game you’re playing. Why are you calling yourself Rumpelstiltskin and saying things like how you’d like to spin my wheel? Is it a name pun?

 

Granny: It’s the most expensive wine in the house. That’ll be a dollar added on your tab and if you wish you can donate to my great-grandchild’s college fund.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I can’t donate to Jeffersonette’s college fund; I got my own grandkid I’m paying for.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: He would’ve BEEN my son if his mother had married me *Sobs* but I can’t think about that because it’s awkward.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Would you like to hear my feelings since my breakup and she started dating my best friend AND my son and she had a kid together?

 

Lacey: Only if alcohol is involved…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh…that’s a lot of booze…I’m beginning to think that you didn’t come on this date to hear about all my previous conquests, Bellacey.

 

Lacey: I heard all these stories about how you’re a hot psychopath that scares everyone and you’re harmless! I mean…what’s up with that!?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I was just fine until you tried domesticating me. So all this ‘harmless’ stuff is really all your fault!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And you were quite proud of my progress by the way…till you got shot…

 

Lacey: *Is slow clapping*

 

Lacey: Well, I’m not Belle, so I suggest you make a big ol’ U-Turn on Morality Road….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I wish Jiminy was here to help me through this but I know what he was say and I would have to choose and sometimes I want to choose the more attractive option….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh! I know! *Smacks glass over*

 

Lacey: Ack!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: See, you wouldn’t have to worry about this if you didn’t drink so much, Bellacey! You should wash up and maybe YOU need to U-turn on morality road because I’m fine where I am! Which is pretty much could be considered a pit stop…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Here…some napkins will get that right out…

 

Lacey: I think I’m just…going to…go in there…and out the back door to the bathroom in another part of town.

 

Lacey: *Is slinking away*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: This is going so great!

 

*Whose horses are those and who took care of them before Belle?*

 

Belle: Zzzzz

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Ah, nothing like the crisp piney smell of woodland decay in the morning!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: It makes me all atwitter!

Belle: What about Twitter?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: The adjective, Belle. Not the website.

 

Belle: *Is immediately bored*So…if you can summon a bow…how come you can’t just summon Robin Hood to a place where you can shoot him?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: BECAUSE THAT TAKES AWAY THE THRILL OF THE HUNT OR SOMETHING!

 

Belle: Or maybe you’re not as evil as you claim you are.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle, I was either torturing him or skinning him. PRETTY SURE that whole ‘good in you’ argument is nil at this point.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: But aren’t I devilishly adorable?

 

Belle: I think you’d be devilishly adorable if you were a good man.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is disgusted* Oh…I don’t…

 

Belle: But you could give to orphans!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Hm…you’re not going to shut up about this, are you?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m not going to be a good man just because you keep yammering about it and this is the only way I can get you to shut up.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Anyway, I like me for me! And that’s a great message to send out to the little ones!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: High five!

Belle: We are sharing a carriage blanket. I can’t take you as an evil vicious beast at all when you’re playing footsies with me!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up Belle! We’re stopping for a restroom break.

 

Belle: Can I have a hand down?

Rumpelstiltskin: Look at all that leather, the poser.

Belle: HAND!

Rumpelstiltskin: Huh? Oh sure…whatever.

 

Belle: I’m not sure I’m in the best dress for fugitive hunting…

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is tiptoeing over* Be quiet Belle! That one horse has got it in for me! I have to sneak by or I get bit!

 

Sheriff: Am I getting on or climbing off?

 

Sheriff: *Pets* Good dog…

 

Sheriff: A girl! *Is trying a sexy pose*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Wow, you must be SLOSHED if you came up to me willingly.

 

Sheriff: Nice bow.

Rumpelstiltskin: Thank you! My girlfriend did something that allowed me to have it…

 

Sheriff: I know this wood!

Rumpelstiltskin: Can I have that back, please? I’m borrowing it from a friend. His friends, that’s me, call him Rob…

 

Sheriff: Robin Hood, I told you not to go to Rumpelstiltskin’s palace, he’d take away half your height!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh! You!

Belle: Whose gloves are these?!

 

Sheriff: Oh wait! You’re not Robin Hood! You ARE Rumpelstiltskin! How the heck are ya?!

 

Sheriff: I’ll tell you what you want to know if me and your girl over there can go pick deer ticks out of each other in the bushes…if you know what I mean….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Hold on, let me check…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey Belle! You up for it!?
Belle: NO!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, so we’re in the middle of a fight that she’s totally wrong in but I don’t think I can part with her.

 

Sheriff: Okay…ten minutes.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I think your belief that you can even go for ten minutes is still pretty generous…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And let’s think here! Because it seems you’re forgetting who you’re talking to!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Some people steal baby’s noses! I steal their tongues!

Sheriff: UUEAIORIOAOIREPR!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Pardon me, but this is REALLY gross! Do you mind just agreeing to my terms so I don’t have to look at it anymore! CGI tongues are the worst, okay? I forget it’s there and then I look down and then…SURPRISE! It still is!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Now just say ‘yes’ to my terms and you will say that you licked me and I will wash my hands from here till the end of time!

 

Sheriff: UEOIRAOREAPAERA!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: ENUNCIATE! *slaps with own tongue*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Accidently lets go* Whoops.

 

*1 Hour of searching later*

Sheriff: Ah Mah Gahd!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m just saying that you’re lucky we caught it BETWEEN the ant pile and dung heap

 

Sheriff: Robin Hood is a menace that ran off with the woman I loved!

 

Sheriff: *Throws up arms* At least, ‘the woman I loved every day before and after banging your wench!’

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Man that bugs me and makes off with women that someone else loves…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: It MUST be Hook in disguise!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Well…it’s just you and me Ms. Wine Glass….just like it has been for the past 28 years…funny thing is that I pretty much think this is how it’d be if Lacey WAS here!

Granny: Geez, did your date stand you up? Just like you did to the countless others?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s because I didn’t want them and you to meet and you two get in a catfight over me.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Maybe she didn’t abandon me like everyone else does *Sniffle* Maybe it just takes a long time to get wine stains out of dresses…and while there wasn’t a lot there as far as material went…there WAS a lot of sequins.

*Also, there’s more wine in that glass than there was at the beginning of the scene*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Pfft, I’m not paying for this!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Bellacey! You in here?

Red: EEK!

Jefferson: GET OUT!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Get a room you two! You’re getting as bad as me!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: M-maybe the water is broken! Maybe she just….went to go find hot water somewhere else…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Either way, I’m not paying that five bucks that I owe Granny.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Vastly overcharged!

 

Belle: All I’m saying is…when we get home; you better have a massage ready for my tootsies.

Rumpelstiltskin: I will not!

Belle: You keep rubbing your feet all over them when we were riding and NOW you can’t massage them?

Rumpelstiltskin: Be quiet Belle, we’re almost there!

 

Belle: OH! YOU DON’T WANT ME TO WARN ROBIN HOOD THAT WE’RE COMING?!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Now I’ve had just about enough of you!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t MAKE me turn this hunt around!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait! You can’t fool me! You want me to do that, you trickster! It won’t work!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You’d have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me!

 

Robin Hood: I could really use some merry men right about now.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Ohhhh *Is bouncing on heels* *Whispering* Belle! I found him! I found him!

 

Carriage Driver: How much longer do I have to do this owl noise? It’s not fooling anyone!

 

Marion: I’m just getting sicker from the outdoor atmosphere!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oo! Who is THAT?!

Belle: No one “I” better worry about!

 

Belle: *Is bouncing* *Is whispering* Look at that! They’re together! They’re together!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle! Stop shipping! You’ll throw off my aim!

 

Robin Hood: I have NO idea how to work this wand…so…sorry if you grow an extra head or something…

 

Marion: Sheriff? Is that you?

 

Robin Hood: Eh, close enough….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Rejected*

 

Belle: This is like my favorite movie but instead of the airport, they’re meeting in the woods which can BE an airport if we squint our eyes and tilt our heads!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, it’s really romantic.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: SAID NO MAN EVER!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: So he endangered his smoking hot wife too? For something he didn’t even know how to use? He’s gonna double die for that!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I win.

 

Belle: Quicksand!

 

Belle: Rumpelstiltskin! I’m in quicksand!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh don’t struggle so much, you won’t go down faster….*Is waving at Marion and trying to get her attention so he can flirt*

 

Belle:  *Is jealous* You stop making eyes at her!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is humming* Heads, shoulders, knees, or toes? Knees or toes?

 

Marion: Hey! Know how people still call me ‘maid’ Marion?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Aw man! I hate sloppy seconds!

 

Belle: You can’t kill them! They’re going to have babies every after and ride off into the sunset and have adventures that we won’t see even though he was heavily advertised for this episode and is tall and handsome!

 

*Are twirling*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: No...They’re going to die just for that!

 

Robin Hood: Oh…geez, who put that there?

 

Robin Hood: Hurry! The loss of blood from torture is making me dizzy! We have to get out of here!

 

Belle: Wh-

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up Belle! That trunk was really starting to piss me off!

 

Belle: Your change of heart is touching, but about this quicksand….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Leave it to you to find the only quicksand spot in the entire forest….

 

Belle: So you let them go….which means you’re good underneath all that!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Just realized that he is going to be hearing this for a very long time*

 

Belle: I knew you could make me proud and stuff….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle! Back away! You need to learn a thing or two about personal space!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle! Dangit! No! Bad touch! Bad touch!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Mm…dat backside.

 

Belle: What?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Heh, the front side’s not too bad either…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: What kind of hanky panky is going on in my land?!

 

Keith: Oh don’t you worry! I’ll fight you for her!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Say that again!

 

Keith: Oh whoops! It’s you! You know how it is, ever since you restored my tongue, it hasn’t quite worked right and-

 

*Runs away*

 

Lacey: Well…the date I abandoned to pay for everything just jumped on the guy I previously expressed no interest in. This is making for an awful evening….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait…you wanted to be with him? When did this exchange happen? Your chicken parmesan is still warm in the diner and you’re off back her making out with other men!

 

Lacey: Yeah, but he’s tall and the right amount of jackassery is oozing from those pores!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: But I’m rich! And I have power! And I’ve been good! I haven’t beaten up anyone all day!

 

Lacey: All day? Geez…talk about a boring old codger.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I can change! Charming didn’t show up to give me dating advice tonight….we could beat up him!

 

Lacey: Watching anything with Charming is like watching paint dry. Now this was a pity date and there’s absolutely no way I could be interested in someone who doesn’t wear any type of leather.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Sniffles* You clearly haven’t seen everything on me, yet. I was going to surprise you when I took you home. I was going to rip off my pants and there would be leather pants underneath! You could’ve had that if you waited!

 

Lacey: I’ll never be Belle!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Put you in a dress and give you some lines about being good and all…and you could be! I’d even pay nice. You could use some of your lines that remind me of her just as long as they’re not snarky…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I wish that...um...was here…wait…who is available for dating anymore? I wish…I wish Jiminy was here. I’ll bet his comedy tour has produced some single eager ladies…